Sample Psalms
An Unearthly Art
The term “Art” has become such a loosely used word that it seems clear that someone or something must have
administered it an extremely effective laxative. Further to this observation, once an individual is deemed an artist by at least
some so-called “informed” segment of society, all he, she or it merely needs to do is to excrete in some sort of original away
into a bucket and droves of drones will line up for miles to marvel over what was produced.
But before we digress too far from the central theme, I want to return to the notion of art in this day in age. Specifically, I want
to begin by addressing the art of Public Relations, an art form, which is not deserving of a comparison to excreta, because in
aligning it with such organic matter, we would be indulging its ego, by acknowledging that it possesses a synergy with
something which is Earthly and wholesome, which, in actuality couldn’t be further from the truth.
More to the point, and without beating around the bush (or beating off behind the bush, which I guess would actually be
Pubic Relations), many mortal modern day scientific experts have begun a conclusive analysis on the so-called art of Public
Relations, and while many findings and data are presently available to the human “public” (who by the way) have an
enormous variety of “relations” with one another, the evidence is not pretty to say the least. In fact, it’s majestically
gruesome.
Allow me to elaborate. Public Relations smells very, very bad, but that’s merely an unpleasant byproduct of its unearthly
noxiousness. It now appears highly probable that Public Relations is a radioactive virus which was blown in a bubble of anti-
matter from the 3rd closest galaxy to the Milky Way some time ago. In fact, scientists now adhere to a theory, which dates
Public Relation’s inception back at least 10 billion years. And gravely, as with any radioactive substance, it isn’t going to
dissipate in any of our, or probably our ancestors’ lifetimes. In fact, present expert astrologic knowledge opines (or maybe
the more accurate term is hypothesizes) that Public Relations has a half-life of approximately 6 billion years and the latest
estimates say that its tenure on Earth began about 65 million years ago. So, what this suggests is that Public Relations is
only in its infancy and already happens to be adjusting to life on Earth remarkably well. Additionally, it is now becoming more
and more evident that this viral art form is responsible for the destruction of nearly 500,000 sentient civilizations spanning
the cosmos. Okay, I’ll stop skirting around the main point. Public Relations is what the modern scientific community used to
contend was the asteroid which wiped out our friends Bronto Boy and Captain T-Rex. That’s right, it was Public Relations
and its unending winter, which was just too frigid for even the mightiest reptilian titans to withstand.
And now we Earthlings -- just like the catastrophes which have befallen many of our intergalactic predecessors who have felt
Public Relation’s acidic lash and vice-like demise—are in turn in the process of our descent into extinction, by the hands of
an art form, which we certainly didn’t create, but very unfortunately decided to embrace. This phenomenon is largely due to
the fact that Public Relations feeds like a bloated, insatiable pig on all of our shortcomings and weaknesses – in particular,
our innate lack of confidence in ourselves -- and our creations -- and our perpetual need to shine like diamonds when we
are in fact more closely akin to far less precious or optically dazzling stones. And I don’t mean cubic zirconias; I’m referring to
petrified moose shit.
But to think that by simply becoming less vain we can confidently defeat Public Relations, thereby preventing our spherical
home from becoming another viral comet on course to infect another sacred homeland across the heavens, is a hopeless
and utterly ignorant belief.
After perusing enormous bodies of scientific literature, I’ve become certain that our ultimate survival from this pariah hinges
on our willingness to first, accept the fact that while Public Relations may be an “Art”, it is certainly not an “Art” which we
intended but rather, it is one which has our souls on its ultimate menu. Now, once we are beholden to this revelation, we
must accomplish two simple tasks:
1. Cease and desist from all forms of Public Relations (Let me make clear that this includes trying to insist even to friends
and mates that your excrement has a floral aroma.) Okay. Got that one. Good.
2. Now here’s my final command. This is going to sound a tad bit avant-garde, but take my word, the sheer inertia of the
following action will cause this artsy-fartsy marauder to dissolve from the inside out in an excruciatingly painful fashion, thus
providing our universal cousins and us with ample retribution for these incorrigible acts of publicity.
Here we go. Make one precise exception to task number one outlined above. It is as follows:
Begin with a good night’s sleep, follow it with a hearty breakfast and then… begin practicing PR on behalf of Public Relations.
Sometimes a taste of one’s own putrid medicine is the best possible remedy.
© Copyright 2003 Wallaby Wadsworth’s Psalms of Madness
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